The Truth about Long Distance Relationship without Sex
I know what you’re thinking. « How am I going to handle my long distance relationship without sex? Will it hurt too much? Will it jeopardize my life as a couple? Can I handle it? How do I cope with the frustration of not having sex? »
The list of questions you have is long!
Maintaining a lasting relationship is not easy.
But don’t panic. In a few minutes you will have the answer to your questions. I will explain the relationship between LDR couples and sex.
Because you probably have a lot of prejudices in your head.
I have been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years, and my girlfriend lives over 6500 miles away. We have been through what you are going through right now.
In this article, you will discover:
- Why gender-neutral LDRs are possible
- My « weekend » technique to manage sexual urges and pulses related to withdrawal
- The problems that can arise from physical and intimate lack
- Solutions to put in place with your partner to make love at a distance
Feel free to have a coffee or a square of chocolate while reading this article.
Enjoy your reading!
For an ever more fulfilling long distance relationship, you can read these articles:
Long Distance Relationship without Sex: impossible?
I hear this a lot in my circle. Yeah, you know what I mean. Those famous phrases:
- « I could never be in your shoes. I need physical and intimate contact.
- « Long-distance relationships only work for a few months »
- « And don’t you miss the sex too much? How do you do it? »
These are difficult subjects to discuss with others because we reveal a part of our intimacy.
But are they right? Personally, I don’t think so!
And here’s why:
Yes, it is possible. Not everyone is a sex addict
Not everyone has the same relationship to sex. Whether it comes from a family upbringing, a culture, a religion or a relationship with the other, ways of thinking differ from one individual to another.
Yes, sex is a major component in a couple that contributes to its happiness and development.
But for people like you and me who are engaged in a LDR, this component is minor.
It is not an insurmountable ordeal.
The happiness that we perceive through the relationship goes through other things like:
- Attention to detail
- Commitment to your partner
The non-existence of sex in LDR couples is the trademark of long distance couples
When you get into this kind of relationship, you know that your sex life will be drastically reduced. This is not a problem that just falls into our lap.
Any LDR couple has to adjust to distance and lack of physical contact. And all couples who have broken the distance have experienced these difficulties.
You have them, I have them, and thousands of other couples in this situation too.
It’s not an insurmountable thing.
And in case your long distance relationship without sex turns into a nightmare because of this, ask yourself if your LDR is worth it
The wait is worth it
When I was 12 years old, I went with my school to the municipal pool to learn to swim every Friday. With the excitement of being on a weekend, one day I forgot my watch in the locker room.
After calling the pool, I got the confirmation that no watch had been found.
It broke my heart. My watch had a lot of sentimental value to me at that time. And almost 15 years later, I still remember what my mother said to me that day:
« We only realize the value of things when we lose them ».
It didn’t give me much comfort, but it had taught me to appreciate what I have, in the moment.
When I think about my long distance relationship, I wouldn’t want to lose it for anything.
The expectation and sexual frustration it imposes is no match for the happiness Kyomi brings me.
So yes, the wait is worth it. Without it, I will be more miserable.
Focus on the positive!
To the intense and solemn reunion, to that big hug you can give when you get out of the airport with your bags and your fatigue.
Facing the distance means proving to your partner that every day away is worth the moments you are together. Hand in hand.
The problems LDR without sex can cause
I’m not 100% definitive either.
My comments are nuanced in relation to genderless LDRs and the problems that can arise from that.
- A huge frustration when we see couples in the street or when a friend tells us his love stories
- You can feel a distance between you and your partner. The complicity is less present.
- You have less and less desire to keep the flame alive and maintain a good healthy relationship
- The desire to cheat on one’s partner, leading to a loss of self-esteem
- An impact on life and mental health, not knowing what to do between listening to your desires or feelings
- The desire to definitively break up with one’s partner, accompanied by enormous guilt
Solutions you can implement on your side
Ask yourself this question:
« Am I better able to handle my sexual frustration on my own or with the help of my partner? »
- One of you doesn’t want to have sex online. So you need to find solutions to avoid the problems described in the previous section, and I’ll give them to you right now.
- You and your partner agree to have your intimacy through your phone or computer.
The next part of this article will give you lots of ideas of things to experiment with
How to avoid temptation in a long distance relationship without sex
Sexual frustration is mainly caused by urges and libido. These stimuli, in a few seconds, make you think of something exciting.
You have no control over them at all.
They can be triggered by an external factor: a beautiful person that you met in the street, a poster with someone a little naked, an erotic story told by one of your friends …
If you want to solve your problems caused by your long distance relationship without sex, you should not fight these thoughts.
Because they will always come back. Just like the dust under your couch.
The best way to do this is as follows:
- Limit contact with things that might give you sexual urges
For example, clean up the people you follow on Instagram. Stop going to websites with erotic or pornographic content.
Put away stuff in your room that reminds you of the impossibility of having sex.
- Do my « Weekend » technique
Particularly effective to instantly think of something else if one of these stimuli attacks you by surprise.
Think right away about what you plan to do this weekend, and go into as much detail as possible. Even if you are going to have a classic weekend, it will work:
« Saturday morning I will wake up around 10 am. I have to feed my cat and then I’ll drink my coffee. I may spend some time on my phone before continuing Games of Thrones. It will be around Noon so what can I make myself to eat? etc… »
The idea is to imagine enough time what your next weekend will be like so that the stimuli go away as quickly as they came.
This is a powerful technique for dealing with emotional frustration when you miss your partner very much.
What if my desire to have sex is too strong?
You don’t get enough pleasure from masturbation or you miss the seduction aspect? Then you need to know if it’s worth it. What you value most.
First of all, there’s no need to feel guilty.
Yes, the lack of sex can be a reason for breaking up: it is the case for classic relationships.
It’s the same for LDR couples.
Not everyone is cut out for a long-distance relationship.
Some people are much more sensitive to physical contact than others. When some of my friends tell me that they could never be in my situation, I understand.
First of all because it’s mutual. And because they have a relationship with women that is different from mine. And I respect it, there is nothing wrong with that.
If you are interested in this idea, you can take a quick test I created that determines your love language
On the other hand, and I insist on this point,
You need to be honest with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Because they don’t deserve to be hurt by you. A long distance relationship is hard enough to live with on a daily basis to add that to it.
You need to tell him/her how you feel about the lack of sex and how you see the future of your relationship.
Solutions you can implement together
Depending on how far apart you are from your partner, you can have a long distance relationship without sex for several weeks or months.
I’ve spoken with couples who haven’t seen each other for more than 18 months, especially because of the coronavirus pandemic.
Here are 3 tips for managing a sexless LDR for that long without pulling your hair out and biting your nails.
1) See you more often
I know. This advice is not applicable to everyone. I am the first one, since between France and Peru, it’s 12 hours of plane and tickets at more than 1000$.
But if you are only a few hours away by train or bus and can afford to spend a weekend together, don’t hesitate!
Weigh the pros and cons: what do you prefer?
- Spend 1 month together every year
- Spend 1 weekend together every month for a year?
The answer is not always obvious.
There is also the budget, the availability to be taken into account but with a good organization, it is a possible solution.
If it wasn’t for the Atlantic Ocean between us, I would have visited Kyomi many more times!
This is also an opportunity to organize a surprise visit and create magical and romantic moments that will stay in your memory for a lifetime.
2) Cyber-sex with your partner
If the distance between your two countries is too great to see each other from time to time, don’t worry.
There are other solutions that you can put in place from a distance. We are lucky to live in the 21st century, believe me!
- Connected sex toys
You probably know about vibrating toys. But did you know that there are connected ones, which allow your partner, no matter where he is in the world, to take control of your toy and give you pleasure?
For men, head to the Max 2. Its system mixing vibrations and contractions is incredible!
- The naughty and sexy games to do at a distance
There are plenty of them. Some only use your imagination, others are with cards or objects in particular… But the common point remains the same: to give sexual pleasure together, at a distance.
You will find inspiration for your intimate evenings with this list of naughty game ideas
- Sexting and nudes
This is a classic for all casters. Whether they are long distance or not. Sending naughty messages can alleviate the bad feeling that a long distance relationship without sex gives.
Little by little, you will be able to add a little spice to the exchanges, and why not move from texts to photos, then from photos to videos. It’s a question of feeling and trust above all!
If your partner gets into the game, you can quickly enjoy yourself even if you are alone in your room.
- What if one of you doesn’t agree?
First, don’t force your partner. Intimacy is unique to each person and refusal should not be seen as a lack of love and trust. Respect his or her choice and try to understand it.
If you try to convince her/him with the same approach all the time, it can lead to conflicts and arguments.
Take the time to discuss it, to share your feelings, your frustration, your doubts and your fears.
Finally, keep in mind that being in a relationship (especially long-distance) is about compromise. If you go along with your partner, he or she will also go along with you.
That’s why love is such a powerful feeling.
Now, if you can’t get along and the lack of sex in your long-distance relationship is making you unhappy, you may want to consider starting an open relationship.
The question of the free / open long distance relationship
An open relationship is when two people in a couple decide, by mutual agreement, to stay together (as a couple) while having the opportunity to meet other people (and possibly have sex).
In other words, « we stay in a LDR but we can sleep with whoever we want ».
It’s a radical solution that can work, but it can quickly turn into a nightmare.
- New feelings can end the relationship
- Jealousy and trust issues may arise
- An unhealthy game can be created (« he slept with 3 people, it’s normal if I do the same »)
Personally, I find this solution risky. You can’t control your feelings and one of you could fall in love with another person.
Long Distance Relationship without Sex: a blessing in disguise
Not being able to physically touch each other, having sex… it has its advantages too.
To name a few:
- You are more focused on personality, mentality, values and way of thinking than on physical attributes.
- Each new reunion becomes magical. Each intimate moment is multiplied tenfold in sensation. You will remember each of your « first times ».
- Sex is not a top priority in your life and in your relationship.
Yes, these benefits are more long term.
In fact, there are very few in the long run. That’s why it’s hard to have a long distance relationship without sex.
Because the most intense moments are made in the present moment. They are not calculated. And this is what causes sexual frustration.
Not being able to fill this « lack » like the smoker who absolutely wants his cigarette.
Having a harmonious life as a couple is not difficult.
Believe me: if you manage to be strong enough to resist the lack of sex, your relationship will go far.
And when you’ve finally broken the distance, this problem will turn into a « good memory ».
Download my 26 LDR Challenges and Activities
One idea done every week
= 6 months of activities
If you liked this article and want to help other couples in long distance relationships, please share it !
You will also like :
We are Léo & Kyomi, a French-Peruvian couple in a long distance relationship since 2019. Welcome to this blog entirely dedicated to this way of life.
We decided to create
My Sweet LDR
to help people who want to live their relationship serenely and who don’t know how to do it.
To read our entire story
you can click just here !