Is Long Distance Worth It ? The easiest way to know it
You would like to answer the question: « is long distance worth it ? »
So that you don’t embark on an incredible and unpredictable adventure. Or on the contrary, so that your emotions don’t destroy you slowly.
I’ll help you.
And I’m not going to give you some advice found on an old website from the 2000s, or based on the hasty judgment of a drunk guy in a bar at 2am.
I’ll do much, much better.
You’re going to benefit from a quick and easy method that anyone can implement.
The kind of method your 8 year old nephew can understand while eating his lunch after school.
And I’m going to be objective. I’m not going to start an endless tirade about why long distance relationships are the best in the world just because I’m in that situation.
That would be lying to you, it’s pointless and above all boring as hell.
Kyomi, my peruvian girlfriend, and I were in traditional relationships before we started our long distance relationship.
We know both points of view.
I’m not even talking about the dozens of debates we have with the new people we meet. It’s simple: as soon as you start talking about love and relationships, the subject always comes up. It’s almost magical!
« Are long distance worth it? »
Usually it’s at the end of the evening when everyone has stopped drinking that someone in the group thinks about their ex, their relationship situation, and especially their failures.
Or during a family meal or with friends.
Believe me, you will not escape.
They will be waiting for you with a knife between their teeth, and will be ruthless about the reasons why you chose the difficult option.
What you will find in this article is a compilation of dozens of debates, diverse opinions and points of view on the issue. Collected over the years.
And yes, I will objectively answer the question « is long distance worth it? I promise, I swear! (without the fingers crossed behind the back)
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, we need to know what we’re talking about: what is a long distance relationship, and what does the notion of « worth it » mean?
When do we start talking about a long-distance relationship?
« A long-distance relationship is a human relationship, even a love relationship, between two people separated by a great distance.
That’s the Wikipedia definition.
We agree: it’s fuzzier than my grandfather’s view without his glasses!
But this definition is mostly incomplete. Rather rare, for a site of such a size!
A « great distance » has several forms:
- Physical: for a couple like mine living thousands of kilometres away
- Psychological: for a couple suffering from the lack of each other because they cannot see each other as much as they would like
- Communicative: a couple who only communicate a few times a week
I’m not going to lie to you, communicational distance is not going to interest us here.
A long distance relationship is not just about physical separation, although that is usually the first thing that comes to mind. It’s deeper than that.
I’d like to play with you.
Would you like to do that?
Tell me if you think the following couples are in an LDR. And if you cheat, I’ll know!
- A french-peruvian couple who manage to see each other every week (involving a 12-hour plane ride every week)
- A couple living in the same city, but who only see each other once a month
- A couple who only see each other at weekends, because of their respective jobs
- A couple living 50 kilometres away who only see each other once a month, compared to a couple who live 500 kilometres away but see each other every week?
Hard to answer, isn’t it?
I can see your eyes looking up to the sky, your hand stroking your chin.
To be honest, there are no right answers.
Each person judges according to their values, experience and background.
And your values, experience and background are different from your parents’. Or your best friend’s. Or even your dog’s.
Some people talk about a long-distance relationship when they go longer than a certain time without seeing each other.
The more pragmatic speak of a distance measurable in kilometres.
Both notions have thresholds that each couple sets.
- The first will speak of a long-distance relationship from 50 kilometres, others from 200, and still others from 1000…
- The latter talk about weeks without seeing each other, months or quarters.
Let’s take an example: here is a pile of sand:
If you remove one grain, it remains a pile of sand.
If you remove 10 grains, it’s still a pile of sand.
So how many grains of sand do you remove and is it no longer a pile of sand?
You have two hours.
No, I’m joking. I think you see where I’m going with this.
The number of kilometres in a distance relationship is like the number of grains of sand in a pile.
For us, the physical distance doesn’t matter.
Whether you are 10,000 or 100 kilometres away, it is the same thing.
But the time spent away from each other, not being able to hug, is heavy. Infinitely heavy.
By the way, if you miss your partner too much, you should try my « All » or « Nothing » technique.
Physical distance and emotional distance are closely related to your type of long-distance relationship.
This is what we’ll see now.
Don’t panic, the next games are easier. Let’s keep playing!
The different types of LDR
I distinguish 2 types of LDR, with variations.
- The international or national long-distance relationship
- The relationship that started at a distance (e.g. with a virtual meeting) or that has become one (e.g. because of a professional need)
|International LDR||National LDR|
|Started as a LDR||Has become a LDR|
In our case with Kyomi, our LDR is international, and started remotely.
The notion of "Worth It": Definition
The long distance relationship is done. We now know what we are talking about. But there is still work to be done.
To find out if LDR are worth it, we also need to define what « worth it » means.
Let’s take a look at the definition from Cambridge University:
« Worth It » means « enjoyable or useful despite the fact that you have made an effort ».
I like this definition. But again I find it incomplete. Here is mine:
Something is Worth It when the benefits you get from a situation outweigh the disadvantages and it is personally fulfilling.
Imagine a scale with bad things and good things: if the weight of the good things is greater than the weight of the bad things, then it is worth it!
It’s as simple as that.
The notion of sacrifice, of inconvenience, of a boring task that you wish you could avoid, is necessarily present.
Just like the number of grains needed to define a pile of sand, subjectivity is central to this notion.
It’s like the Miss Universe: you may find Miss Colombia beautiful, but your friends will not.
It’s the same with situations that are worthwhile.
Let’s take an example:
One of your best friends is having a party at his house. Logically, you are invited. Here is the information he gave you.
If you’re broke and love meeting new people, then you’ll want to go.
But if you prefer to be in shape the next day, without the risk of being bored because you won’t know anyone, then the best thing is to stay warm, under your duvet.
Personally, it takes me less than 10 seconds to put on my shoes and close the door of my house.
Again, it’s up to you! The decision is yours.
If you were to remember only one thing, it is that the notion of « Worth It » is subjective.
And it’s the same when it comes to long distance relationships.
The link between happiness (or personal fulfilment) and « worth it » is undeniable.
The two are intimately linked.
If you feel you are happier in this LDR, then go for it!
If you have no idea, don’t panic. The next part is for you.
is long distance worth it ? pros and cons
I have already discussed the advantages and disadvantages in another article.
Knowing them will already help you understand the sacrifices you will have to make, as well as the new opportunities that will be offered to you.
That’s right! A new adventure will begin if you enter into this type of relationship!
It will be a bumpy ride, but it will take you through some beautiful landscapes.
is long distance worth it: an easy way to know
I have compiled a list of personality traits that are incompatible with a long-distance relationship. Having 1 or 2 of them is not a big deal.
Read them carefully.
- Physical contact is essential for you, and is your first love language
- You have difficulty projecting yourself over months or years
- You have never envisaged one of you moving for the other, to get physically closer
- You like to control everything and your jealousy is sickly
- Sex is more important than communication in a relationship
- You easily feel that you are missing out on something if your partner is not there (e.g. birthday party, restaurant or cinema outings…)
- If the disadvantages outweigh the benefits in my dedicated article
So how many do you have?
If you find yourself in the majority of the above points, then ask yourself the right questions.
I’ll go even further.
Here are the mandatory steps you will go through, if you decide to start an LDR. Some of them are scary, but they can be overcome.
If just reading my words makes you feel that this is too difficult for you, then you are not compatible with this kind of relationship:
- You will regularly travel away from home and regularly leave your comfort zone
- You will spend a lot more time on the phone
- The way you organise yourself will change drastically
- You will need to be patient, and put your ego aside easily
- Creativity is key. It is more difficult to renew yourself from a distance
- You will have to fight with the administration of your country and your partner’s country
- Long distance relationships are not socially accepted in our society
Take a deep breath. Sit on the sofa with a hot drink and figure out what you want before you start anything.
Distance is a double-edged sword.
It destroys couples. I can’t count the number of comforting hugs my friends have given me.
But it can also become your best friend.
Because if you resist distance, then nothing can stop you.
That’s what I experience every day.
Is long distance worth it? My opinion
Why do most long-distance relationships fail?
Because couples do not do anything. They think they’ll be a natural fit, and that they’ve overcome other, more difficult problems.
They don’t know it yet, but the shower is going to be icy!
Listen to me: distance is the last boss in a relationship.
It’s the final exam, the last game in the Squid Game. There is nothing more difficult.
And don’t talk to me about people who dare to cheat on the « love of their life » and try to get him back. I’m not talking to those people.
I’m talking to you, who has just met someone.
Who is starting to have feelings for that person. Who is feeling that internal battle between your brain screaming « You’re over 1000 kilometres apart, forget it » and your heart saying « You’ve never had such a feeling with someone in your life ».
Sit at your desk with a pen and paper. Allow 15 minutes in front of you to avoid interruptions. List the advantages of starting a long-distance relationship, and the disadvantages. Rank them by difficulty, from 1 to 3.
Now think about yourself, your happiness, your personal development. Will you be happier this way, despite the difficulties you will have to face?
Do you feel capable of it?
There is nothing to stop you from trying, and seeing where your story takes you. But be clear about this with your partner to avoid making him or her suffer. This will prevent you from looking like an asshole. In a relationship, there are two of you, if you’ve forgotten that!
If you’re still in the early stages of your long distance relationship, don’t make the same mistakes I did!
I’ve talked a lot with my friends, my parents, and especially with Kyomi about this issue.
This is how I summarize my thoughts in one sentence to the question: « is long distance worth it?
LDRs are worth it because by imposing huge difficulties on you right at the beginning of your relationship, you make it infinitely stronger.
If the distance is necessary after several months or years of living together, see it as the ultimate test of your love.
And when the test is passed, the hardest part is finally behind you.
Now all you have to do is live your relationship to the fullest and continue having fun with your partner.
For inspiration, I recommend this article that will help you spend powerful moments of complicity with only 35 LDR questions.
Download my 26 LDR Challenges and Activities
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We are Léo & Kyomi, a French-Peruvian couple in a long distance relationship since 2019. Welcome to this blog entirely dedicated to this way of life.
We decided to create
My Sweet LDR
to help people who want to live their relationship serenely and who don’t know how to do it.
To read our entire story
you can click just here !