I miss my long distance boyfriend: 7 tips to apply today
Missing each other is THE biggest problem for couples in long distance relationships. It’s a reality. All long distance couples face this. You are far from alone, believe me. I don’t go a day without hearing at least once « I miss my long distance boyfriend so much its hurts ».
So what do you usually do to solve this problem?
- You read advice on the Internet, but you don’t really believe it.
- You ask your partner for the miracle cure, but he feels powerless and helpless.
- You put things in place to fill that unpleasant feeling of lack, but with no real results.
It’s hard to hear, but it’s true.
The solution is not to become an emotionless person, like a stone golem. That would be prohibitive.
What you need to do is to understand how you deal with this feeling of lack. It is to know what works and what doesn’t work on you.
In this article, I will give you all the information you need to easily know what techniques are right for you.
I will then give you two lists of 7 tips to apply right away, depending on what works on you.
It’s almost tailor-made.
Let’s get started.
For an ever more fulfilling long distance relationship, you can read these articles:
Why most LDR couples handle withdrawal poorly
Too often, long-distance couples remain passive in the face of the discomfort of withdrawal. It’s a classic mistake that many LDR couples make to think that it will eventually go away on its own.
Have you ever had a friend tell you that overnight he or she was no longer sensitive to heights when just a few days before he or she was frozen in fear on the fourth floor of his or her building?
Or an arachnophobe who suddenly and without any reason, can now take in his hand a mygale of the Amazonian forest? (Having seen them with my own eyes, they are really huge)
To fight against lack is to fight against one’s natural instinct. It is lost in advance. The feeling of lack is something absolutely normal and human.
I’m not going to lie to you: this lack will never go away. You will have to learn to live with it.
In fact, lack works like fear. You think that professional base jumpers are not afraid when they jump off a cliff?
Of course they are. The fear will never go away. The difference is that they master it. And on the contrary, they would be worried not to feel this sensation that they know so well. As Martine Delerm, a famous French teacher in France, used to say,
I will be afraid the day I will no longer be afraid
Fortunately, it is possible to learn to control this feeling of lack. And the good news is that you don’t have to jump off a cliff and risk your life to do it!
In the rest of this article, you’ll discover 5 positive thoughts to prevent cravings (with the added bonus of my « Weekend » technique to stop being bothered by your negative thoughts).
You’ll then learn what angle of attack to use when withdrawal occurs (and with a dozen examples each time).
You will be able to say goodbye to the famous phrase « I miss my long distance boyfriends so much it’s hurts »!
I miss my long distance boyfriend: 5 positive thoughts to prevent withdrawal
Positive thoughts have three incredible advantages:
- They are instantaneous
- They are easy to implement
- Anyone can use them
By using the 5 thoughts I will describe below, you will instantly think less about your partner’s absence.
If I compare you to a smoker trying to quit, these thoughts will help you not think about smoking. However, they won’t help you get over the urge if you are already thinking about it. This problem will be solved in the last two paragraphs. See the difference? Great, let’s get started!
1) Always have in mind the next time you meet
You will have a direction, a goal. You will be motivated and determined in your relationship. For the well-being of your long-distance relationship and to fight against withdrawal, it is vital to have this date in mind. It can be approximate: at the end of the year, in 3 months, in 2023… But it must exist.
2) Think about all the advantages you have due to your partner’s absence
There are many: the opportunity to travel, the time you can use only for yourself, your relationship will be infinitely stronger in the long run… you must see the distance as an opportunity. You can discover 16 advantages that LDR couples have.
3) Relativize: distance is ephemeral
Certainly the most difficult thought to implement. The point of a long distance relationship is that it becomes a long distance relationship. We can all agree on that. So fill your lungs with air, exhale slowly and put it into perspective. Distance is fleeting.
I don’t know any LDR couples who want to stay long distance for life. Why not? Because they don’t exist.
4) The feeling of lack is a proof of love
So is jealousy. Worry when you start missing your partner! We don’t think about it enough, but sometimes negative feelings can reflect positive thoughts. That’s exactly what’s going on here.
5) Make the day of departure less painful
After reading topics on the Internet starting with « I miss my long distance boyfriend », I realized that the moment when I missed the other person the most was right after a physical separation. It’s pretty logical, when you think about it.
The events are recent, it’s still fresh in our minds. We don’t imagine ourselves as strong as we are to face the distance again…
« Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened » sums up this last point perfectly.
Stop moping around with the negative in the foreground.
These personal development tips will help you. I guarantee it. Keep them in mind and say them to your partner when he or she is not having a good day.
Simple words can change someone’s mood for an entire day. Never underestimate them.
My effective "Weekend" technique
Unfortunately, positive thoughts are just a filter for the feeling of lack. And sometimes it gets through.
So what to do in this case?
The most effective thing to do is to eliminate the thought before it becomes too strong. Like a serious illness, it is always more effective to treat it as soon as possible.
Here is my « Weekend » technique.
It is effective when suddenly in your day, the feeling of withdrawal bursts without warning. Usually, it is created by an external factor: a music, a reference, a question…
Note: My technique will not work if the craving is directly created by your partner (during a video call, for example).
It is very simple. When you start thinking about your partner and you feel the frustration building up in your mind, you need to think about something else very quickly.
The idea here is that you focus on something else.
Immediately think about what you are going to do next weekend. From Friday night to Monday morning. The more specific you are, the more effective it will be:
- What time are you going to get up?
- What do you need to do?
- How will you organize yourself?
- What are you going to do in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening?
Here’s an example:
« Friday night, I will go home after work. I have to tidy my apartment because I have visitors on Saturday. I will tidy up on Friday and on Saturday I will clean. I will get up around 10am. I hope that he will not be late and that he will not have any unforeseen events. Together, we have to go to the gym and have a beer afterwards. I must not forget to call my parents on Sunday.
The more you detail your weekend, the less you will think about your partner. I promise you that.
And you will have naturally chased away your darkest thoughts. No more worries, you can move on. This is a powerful technique that is still not well known and can be easily used. You just have to react fast enough!
Now, I’m going to show you 7 tips that you can use depending on your profile and your way of reacting to the feeling of withdrawal.
"Everything" or "Nothing": which camp are you in?
First, you need to know what works best for you. I’m going to be very Manichean: there are only two cases.
- You are an « Everything »: you like everything to remind you of your partner. You prefer to have objects, sensations, memories, situations that refer to them.
Example: the former smoker will keep his favorite lighter at home
- You are a « Nothing »: you like nothing to remind you of your partner. You prefer to avoid situations, objects, sensations, memories that refer to them.
Example: the former smoker will throw away all objects that remind him of smoking
It’s up to you to know what type of reaction you are most likely to have, and to find out which camp you are in.
As you have seen, the two cases are diametrically opposed. Be careful not to fall into extremes either: in my case, I am a « Nothing » but I still kept a photo of Kyomi at home. We remain human above all, with a heart that sinks.
When you read the tips I’m going to give you, you have to apply them according to your feeling and your personality. If you have no idea, apply the ideas one by one anyway and observe the results.
I’m now going to give you 7 techniques to use depending on whether you’re an Everything or a Nothing.
Nothing: 7 tips to make sure that nothing reminds you of your partner
1) Keep busy, do your hobbies
This is true for a lot of situations: when we are in the middle of something, our brain is focused on it. It has no room to think about the lack of your partner. You need to stay busy: boredom will automatically make you think about your boyfriend or girlfriend.
2) Don’t isolate yourself, keep seeing people
Directly related to the first point, seeing people will force you to talk, to do an activity. Be careful not to mention your partner though! That would have the opposite effect. The fact of isolating yourself will automatically confront you with your thoughts. And therefore to your partner, since he occupies a big part of it. I’m convinced of that.
It is also an opportunity to talk to that long lost friend again or to finally do an activity with your brother or sister! It can be something very simple without leaving home. Don’t make it difficult for yourself.
3) Turn off notifications on your phone
If you want to spend time without thinking about your partner, don’t hesitate to turn off your phone’s notifications or simply turn it off. You’ll already be less distracted and less likely to suddenly think about him again.
You can also ask him to send you a message only in case of « emergency ». This is not something I recommend, but it will take away the curiosity of whether you have a message waiting.
4) Don’t highlight your physical memories
This is very crucial to do! If you have pictures of the two of you on your fridge, music reminding you of great times on your phone, or stuff of his that isn’t put away, how do you want to avoid thinking about your partner?
It’s like putting up pictures of desserts and scattering tasty smells and hoping your dieting friend won’t think about eating. Mission impossible.
A tip that may seem obvious but works terribly well. Taking a few hours in the afternoon to do something that will relax you does two things:
- Put you in a better mood: you’ll be able to handle your partner’s absence better
- Boost your confidence: you will gain motivation and self-esteem
Staying centered on yourself means making your mind impervious to your external environment: your thoughts, your surroundings, your problems, the future and the past… You live in the moment. Nothing else.
6) Avoid toxic people
What’s worse than listening to someone whine, from sunrise to sunset? It gives me a headache, personally… If the discussion isn’t constructive and doesn’t move forward, the problems you hear will reflect on you, and thus on your relationship. You will think about it, whether you like it or not.
So avoid toxic people at all costs. If you know that a certain person will inevitably remind you of your partner, avoid them. Or find ways for your conversation topics to not revolve around romantic relationships.
7) Avoid situations that make you think of him
I will never watch a report about the secrets of Machu Picchu or start cooking ceviche if I want to avoid thinking about Kyomi. It’s logical, but think about it.
Sometimes, external elements referring to your partner will impose themselves on you. You will have no choice but to face them. For example, an ad on TV that mentions his country. But now that you know my « Weekend » technique, you won’t have to worry about it.
And there’s nothing to stop you from telling her later, during your next video call! It will always make her happy.
Here are some examples of what you can easily avoid:
- References to his language, his country, his culture, his first name…
- Cultural products such as movies, series, music…
- His favorite dishes
- Places where you have been together
- Social networks
You can apply several of these tips. I am convinced that each one of them has the power to help you overcome this lack and not to say anymore « I miss my long distance boyfriend so much it’s hurts ».
Let’s move on to 7 new tips, which are the opposite of the ones you’ve discovered so far.
Everything: 7 tips to make everything remind you of your partner
1) Have a regular date, just between you, to get together.
You can also call it a date. Just because you’re long distance doesn’t mean it’s not possible! I want to stress one thing: this date has to be regular if you want it to work. At least once a week is what I recommend.
Having tested it, it helped us tremendously, especially during the confinement periods in 2020. We didn’t have a set day, but it was usually Friday night. If one of us couldn’t or was tired, we would find another day. Systematically, without ever missing a weekly appointment.
And if you don’t have any ideas for appointments or if you want to discover an efficient technique to keep this rhythm, I let you discover point N°7.
2) Talk about it around you
Talking about your problems is a relief.
Imagine that you have to carry several bags of 20 kilos. Talking about the difficulty you have in controlling your emotions because of your partner’s absence is like giving away several of your bags.
And that’s what friends are for! The best of you will be happy to help you, either by listening to you or by giving you advice. Be careful, however, not to become toxic and complain about absolutely everyone. Nobody likes that.
3) Revive your memories.
A great way to remember the best memories you have. A nice trip down memory lane that will fill you with nostalgia and remind you why this relationship you started a few months ago is worth it.
You can for example:
- Rereading your conversations or a letter
- Review your photos and videos
- Listen to your phone calls or voice mails again
- Rediscover the gifts he would have sent you
Be careful not to do this too often, though. It could have negative effects on your moral health. « I miss my long distance boyfriend so much it’s hurts » should not turn into « I miss my long distance boyfriend so much it’s kills me inside ».
4) Physical memories: use them sparingly
Do exactly the opposite of point #4 of « Nothing »! You need your environment to remind you of your partner. There are many ways to do this:
- With pictures in your room or in your workplace
- Hanging a small key ring
- If he gave you a piece of jewelry, simply wear it
- Displaying things in your home that belong to him (the flag of his country for example!)
Every time you look at one of these objects, you will have a thought for your partner. This is certainly one of the best techniques I know of to make him/her a part of your daily life, even from thousands of miles away.
5) Communicate, know what the other person needs to help him/her or call him/her
You are unique, do I need to remind you? No one is like you. And your partner (I hope) knows you inside and out. And I’m not talking about your favorite color or your current music. It’s deeper than that.
Don’t hesitate to talk to him about how much you miss him. Only he will be able to find the words, the attitude to have that fits you perfectly. See only the positive in this!
- Doesn’t what he says affect you? Give him/her directions to improve
- Is it awkward? At least it comes from the heart and is sincere
Communication is more difficult if your relationship is international. As a French-Peruvian couple who speak English together, we know this well.
But it’s important to talk about this kind of thing.
How can your partner help you if he or she doesn’t know that you are suffering?
Making a spontaneous call is also a great way to combat feelings of withdrawal.
6) Externalize your thoughts
Why is it that some rappers can write great lyrics, but in interviews they can’t string three words together properly?
Why can a painter do wonders with his brush but his dance steps border on the ridiculous?
Because the way they express their emotions and thoughts changes depending on the medium they use.
Here is an interesting article you can read to better understand why expressing your emotions is something to do.
You can choose another medium of expression than talking to « clear your mind ». For example, this can be:
- Writing a poem
- Composing a short text
- Drawing, painting
- Making a video or photo montage
7) Do my 26 special long distance challenges
I talked to you in point N°1 about the importance of having a regular LDR date (I recommend at least once a week).
Maybe you have already tried to do this, without success.
Or if you want to do it for the first time but are experiencing one of these problems:
- We don’t have ideas for long-distance activities to do
- We can’t make it more than a few weeks
- Our LDR dates all look the same
- Our schedules are incompatible
Then I have the solution that will allow you to :
- No longer have the stress of having to find something new every week
- Wait impatiently for the next appointment, in a natural way and without forcing you
- Keep you busy for at least 6 months, without your LDR dates looking the same
- Destroy the feeling of lack
It’s in a list of 26 challenges I created and did with Kyomi. Everything is explained here!
I miss my long distance boyfriend: And now?
You will realize that you have made mistakes.
It’s not a big deal. Yes, you could have done better, and avoided the big problems right away.
But it’s fixable, I assure you. Just start by knowing whether you are an « All » or a « Nothing », and apply at least one of my tips (I recommend the #4)
Something unexpected will happen: your good mood will be daily. Your smiles will be more transmittable than covid-19.
I’m not even talking about the positive repercussions in your long-distance relationship. Your partner will be proud of you. He will see the difference, believe me.
And your long distance relationship will be even more wonderful than before.
Download my 26 LDR Challenges and Activities
One idea done every week
= 6 months of activities
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We are Léo & Kyomi, a French-Peruvian couple in a long distance relationship since 2019. Welcome to this blog entirely dedicated to this way of life.
We decided to create
My Sweet LDR
to help people who want to live their relationship serenely and who don’t know how to do it.
To read our entire story
you can click just here !