14 Long Distance Relationship Red Flags that fool no one
Ouch, ouch, ouch! Do you feel like there are red flags in your long distance relationship?
Your partner is doing things that bother you, that make you doubt; but they’re not such serious actions.
But you have this feeling.
It’s there, it doesn’t want to leave. When you ask your family, friends or Google for advice, the answers are similar: « It’s a red flag », « I would be wary if I were you… »
So how do you find your way through it all?
Are you the one making a movie? Or are you so in love in your long distance relationship that you have become blind to it?
In this article, I’m going to give you 14 red flags that don’t fool you.
I have been in a long distance relationship for several years. I have talked to many couples in the same situation.
The first 7 signals you’ll read here aren’t even signals. They are fireworks!
What I mean is that these are real problems that point to a weakness in your long distance relationship.
The last 7 are more open to interpretation. You may consider them « minor », or « secondary ».
But that’s no reason not to worry about them!
Accumulated, they can also break your LDR into a million pieces.
For an ever more fulfilling long distance relationship, you can read these articles:
The best way to strengthen your long-distance love: a virtual dating
35 LDR questions to ask to get to know each other
6 movies to watch on Netflix special LDR
What are red flags in a Long Distance Relationship?
Let’s first define what a long distance relationship is, and what a red flag is.
Long distance relationship: Definition
A long distance relationship is a love relationship where the partners cannot see each other as much as they would like. They spend more time apart than they do physically together and their reunion often involves travel.
The distance that separates the couple can vary: from a few hundred kilometers to several thousand (like Kyomi and I!).
Red flags: Definition
Like a real red flag, red flags in a relationship are warning signs that lead you to doubt the honesty of your partner and the strength of your relationship.
It is a seemingly innocuous sign but it can indicate a problem in the long distance relationship: a different vision of the couple, a lack of feelings or investment in the couple, a rejection of what the distance implies.
Red flags are the warning signs a LDR is not working
The two types of red flags in a Long Distance Relationship
I mentioned this in the introduction.
There are « major » and « minor » red flags.
Major red flags are to be taken seriously. Just one of them can end your long distance relationship. There is no possible interpretation in this case.
Having one in your relationship is like a pebble in your shoe while hiking. It is bearable at the beginning, but much less so afterwards!
Minor red flags are just as dangerous when they accumulate. They are also easily interpreted. What I mean by this is that you can see a problem where there is none.
Watch them closely. Generally, these are actions that all serious LDR couples do (or don’t do) naturally. If this is not the case for you, try to figure out why.
7 major signs your LDR is not working
1) Yours families are not aware of your LDR (or they don’t support it)
Yes, many couples survive by being in conflict with in-laws. But in long distance relationships, it’s different!
If you love someone deeply and are looking for a serious relationship: why hide a long distance relationship from your own family?
The best way to prove to a family that your relationship is serious is to prove it with action.
Involve your partner in your family with messages, small gifts or simply making appearances during long distance relationship video calls with your partner.
This is a trickier topic and not a real red flag for long distance relationship couples who are under the age of 18.
2) You do not take into account the opinion of the other person in the important decisions of your lives
When I talk about important decisions, it is for example a change of job or a move, a big expense of money or that he has difficulty to include you in a near or distant future.
You must have a life together, and distance does not change anything.
It is by discussing these kinds of issues and exchanging your opinions that you will create deep feelings for each other.
The worst part is if he has no plan to break the distance and prefers not to face reality. This is the subject of the next point.
3) You don’t have a specific plan to break the distance
The question often comes up: the time before breaking the distance.
The goal of a long distance relationship is to become a
long distance relationship. If you don’t have that in mind from the start, you may break up after a few months.
Beware, breaking distance takes time. It usually takes years.
But that’s no reason to have absolutely no long-term plan. Going back and forth is nice for a while. But for a lifetime, out of the question.
Talk about it: who’s going to have to move? How are you going to finance it all? Are you willing to make sacrifices to make this long-distance relationship work?
With Kyomi, we always know how the next year is going to go. We plan ahead a lot, and we have several plans in mind in case plan A doesn’t work out.
4) You don’t have in mind the date of your next reunion
Another classic red flag… In your opinion, why was the suspension of air traffic in 2020 so difficult for all long-distance couples?
Because it was impossible to know when we would see our partner again.
Finishing a race when you know where the finish line is is infinitely easier than running blind, not knowing when you will finish.
Here, it’s the same principle. The idea is not to know exactly when your next reunion will be, but to know at least within a few months when it will be possible.
In my opinion, if you don’t give importance to this date, it means that your LDR is in the background in your life, like children of hearts in an orchestra.
This can quickly turn into an unhealthy long distance relationship
5) You use the distance as an excuse for everything
« Distance is a bad excuse for not having a good relationship with somebody. It’s the determination to keep it going or let it fall by the wayside; that’s the real reason that the relationships continue. »
These are the words of James McAvoy; and they are especially true.
If you think that distance is the main cause of all your problems, you’re barking up the wrong tree!
It is your adaptation to distance that is the problem.
In the immediate future, it is impossible for you to be together physically. It’s always hard to hear, but what can I say, it’s the truth. And I know this because my girlfriend and I are separated by an ocean right now.
So accept it, if you have no power over it!
Distance is like rain.
When it rains, it rains. And I’m sure that instead of going out in a t-shirt and bitching about the weather, you put on a raincoat or take an umbrella.
Yes, distance complicates things. And it’s not always easy to adapt to it, I grant you.
You will find many articles on My Sweet LDR that offer solutions to the most common problems. I’m talking about techniques to make you feel less like you’re missing your partner, ; activities to try together or solutions to deal with sexual frustration.
6) Your investment in the LDR is not equal
Do you call all the time?
Do you always pick up but he never does?
Do the morning love messages only go in one direction, like gifts or ideas for things to do?
There’s something wrong with your long-distance relationship, something is not right.
When you love someone deeply, taking time out of your day to spend with them is natural. This is a red flag that applies to any type of relationship: love, friendship, work or family.
You should be 50%-50%, ideally.
7) You have not accepted your love situation and you are not happy
This last red flag is certainly the most important of all. Because a life without happiness loses its flavor.
If the sight of other couples in the street makes you suffer, you are sad at the thought of spending Christmas or your birthday alone or the lack of physical contact weighs a ton; LDR may not be for you.
Not everyone can be happy in a long distance relationship.
This is a reality.
You have two options:
- Give it all up and realize that you may have been an over-optimist about your (and your partner’s) ability to have a fulfilling long-distance relationship.
- Or fight tooth and nail to make your LDR work and bring positive aspects to your mental health and your life.
7 minor red flags for the future of your Long Distance Relationship
These last 7 red flags are no different than those in a « traditional » relationship.
They’re even pretty cool, by comparison!
As I told you earlier, these warning signs can simply be a sign that your relationship is not in good shape.
Accumulated, they can jeopardize the future of your relationship.
1) He/she has already lied to you for trivial reasons
Trust must reign in a relationship. Especially at a distance! Some people start a long-distance relationship « because it’s better than nothing », and don’t make a serious commitment.
In general, this leads to problems of jealousy within the couple.
2) You make no Long Distance Relationship video calls
Video calls are basic! It’s 2022, technology allows us to go live and see our partner for free!
There are too many benefits to making LDR video call rather than texting or calling each other: seeing your partner engages you more in the conversation. And so you can talk about deeper topics.
Try to do at least 1 a week.
And simply put, you can be sure that there is no deception!
Video calls are the best way to avoid catfish.
I have written a complete and practical tutorial for making your first video call. If you follow my advice, everything will go smoothly!
3) You regularly go several days without hearing from each other
Your long distance boyfriend doesn’t want to talk everyday ?
Any LDR couple who has broken the distance will tell you: they don’t go a day without texting each other.
The only time this has happened in my long-distance relationship is for special events, like trips to remote places without internet.
Not hearing from each other for 1 or 2 days can show a lack of consideration and commitment to each other. This is what I explain in my advice to new couples in a LDR.
4) He/she has not introduced you to his/her best friend
This ties into the first point of major red flags.
Why hide your existence from someone extremely close to your partner?
Unhealthy long-distance relationships have this flaw.
5) He/she is « busy all the time
Lack of time is not an excuse. We know how to find time for the important things! And even if your schedules are busy, there are always ways to spend more time together.
If THE international star he adores and admires came to his town this week, you think he wouldn’t find the time to go see him?
This « I don’t have time » excuse is not true.
When I hear this phrase repeatedly, I translate it to « I don’t have time for you ».
6) He/she is often connected but does not answer you
And he only responds to you when you start the discussion. Clearly, he has something else to do, or your messages take a back seat!
7) You argue more and more for trivial reasons
Long-distance arguments are common. Often, they are even harder to resolve because you both need to be communicative, patient and empathetic. Even more so than if you were in the same room.
So when it comes to serious matters that affect your future or your reunion, I understand that points of view can change.
But to stay on the fence for hours (or even days) without talking to each other because of a trivial reason is a bad sign.
You think there are red flags in your long distance relationship? You can try this
The test is simple, but a bit vicious. At your own risk if you do it!
Here’s the idea:
Text or call your partner and tell him that you’ve found cheap airline tickets and that you’ll be arriving in his city in a few days (or weeks).
Then see how he reacts!
- Is he too happy to see you and is optimistic about the organization?
- He doesn’t seem very enthusiastic and is looking for excuses for you to cancel everything?
This can be a good trigger to have a serious and deep discussion about the future of your couple and your love relationship.
Be careful with this technique: it could backfire!
Here is what you need to do today
In a word: have a serious discussion with him/her.
Follow these tips to make sure you don’t cause an argument or be filled with stress:
- Make a long distance relationship video call. No messages or phone calls
- Tell your partner a little beforehand that you want to talk about your relationship, make a point. Don’t make him/her feel guilty or scared!
- List all the red flags you have in mind
- Say what’s on your mind. Don’t get upset, just ask for answers to your questions. Talk about your concerns and be sincere.
- Ask if they understand what you’re saying. It helps your long-distance relationship to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Then it’s up to you to see, based on his or her answers, if your LDR is worth the experience.
Red flags are to be taken seriously.
Don’t forget that in a couple, there are two of you! So if you are suffering because of your partner, you need to put an end to it.
Don’t let it fester and spread! Take the bull by the horns and say what’s on your mind to your sweetheart.
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We are Léo & Kyomi, a French-Peruvian couple in a long distance relationship since 2019. Welcome to this blog entirely dedicated to this way of life.
We decided to create
My Sweet LDR
to help people who want to live their relationship serenely and who don’t know how to do it.
To read our entire story
you can click just here !