How long should you date long distance before moving: 5 questions to ask yourself
How long should you date long distance before moving: in this article, we will answer this question. For this, I would like to know something:
Have you ever experienced this moment?
You see distant family again. You check in with them, take stock of your life and theirs.
After talking about work and the last vacation, the subject of relationships comes up: « Still long distance? And do you plan to live together one day? »
This is a touchy subject.
You’ve been thinking about it since day one. The only thing you want to say is: « You idiot, if it was that easy, I would have done it a long time ago! »
But you’ve been well educated. With a shy look on your face, you shyly shrug your shoulders and answer that you will consider it one day.
After all, the first day of your relationship goes back a long way. In your group of friends, you are one of the only people who have been in a relationship for a long time.
Even if they tell you that « It doesn’t really matter until you’re physically together », you know they’re wrong.
So if they, who have been in a relationship for less time than you, choose to live together and go to sleep every night feeling each other’s warmth, why not you?
It is legitimate.
The more time you spend with someone, the more likely you are to share the same bed.
Big mistake.
People in a traditional relationship can’t understand how different long distance relationships are from others.
So while the notion of time is a decisive factor in choosing to move in together, it’s far from a reliable indicator for us.
I’ll explain why in this article why the question how long should you date long distance before moving is inappropriate (and what you should base it on).
For an ever more fulfilling long distance relationship, you can read these articles:
How long should you date long distance before moving? It's not a question of time...
Yes, it is. I take the risk of disappointing you, but giving you false hope would be dishonest.
Those who say otherwise are liars.
To be more precise, it is more appropriate to talk about steps. Let’s take an example:
Who is more legitimate between them to move and break the distance first?
Pretty hard to answer, I admit.
What you have to understand with this picture is that it’s not about time.
It’s like marriage after all. You certainly know couples who put a ring on their finger after 6 months together, and others who never made that decision after years.
So it’s not about time, it’s about steps. Here are some of them:
- Have you ever met for real?
- Have you lived together for at least 30 days in a row?
- Have you met your partner’s family?
- Do you have some kind of commitment that keeps you in your hometown?
- Do you have the budget to make it happen?
- Do you have the right VISA to stay in a country?
And most importantly, do you have the courage to leave everything behind and start a new life?
If all this gives you the shivers down your spine, it’s normal. You still need to think and continue to build your relationship!
If not, here are the topics you need to talk about with your partner, before you make the decision to move.
This list of LDR questions specifically designed to help you break the distance should help you.
Who is going to move for the other?
Who says that it is you who had to move to join your partner?
Take the time to discuss it between you and weigh the pros and cons:
- Do you have any imperatives that force you to stay in your country, such as illness, debt, disability, children, work?
- In which country is it easiest to travel, and to obtain a VISA?
- Who is most willing to leave their country?
- Which country offers the best quality of life?
- Financially speaking, which is better?
- The language barrier: how to manage it in the easiest way?
And never mention the argument: « It is the man who must move ».
We are no longer in the 19th century! Times are changing and mentalities are evolving.
Is your long distance relationship healthy?
Distance does not cause arguments.
If you think it does, you’re kidding yourself.
If you spend all your time yelling at each other and getting red in the face, moving in together is hardly a miracle solution.
It’s like married couples who, to save their marriage, decide to become parents. All they’re doing is adding another problem to the huge pile they’ve been piling up for years.
How many couples do you know who have saved their relationship with a child?
And without even mentioning the distance, remember how you are to each other when you are together. This is essential to understanding what happens next.
How long should you date long distance before moving: How much time have you already spent together physically?
The higher it is, the more likely it is that the final meeting will go well.
It is even better if you have spent one or more months together in a row. This allows you to better understand and delineate your partner’s personality on a daily basis.
Here are some examples:
- His/her temperament
- His/her lifestyle habits
- His/her cleanliness
- His/her time management and obligations
- All the little annoying things that happen in everyday life
If the only times you’ve seen each other have never exceeded two weeks, it’s hard to see that.
Before you jump in with both feet, you need to be sure of your relationship.
Just like in poker, you are taking a risk by trying to get double or nothing.
It’s still possible to do it on one condition. I’ll tell you about it right now.
Do you have a plan B?
It’s done, you’ve taken the plunge!
You have bought a one-way plane ticket to join your partner. You’ve given the keys to your apartment back to your landlord and you’ve enjoyed one last memorable goodbye evening with your friends and family.
You are living a daydream. Nothing could make you happier or prouder.
The first few months are magical. You are finally together! You go to bed every night wrapped in your lover’s arms, telling yourself that yes, you did it! Nothing could take that smile off your lips.
Unfortunately, the euphoria of the beginning wears off little by little. After living together for so long, you start to get a little more irritable. The little flaws that you thought were cute from a distance turn into a nightmare.
No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that this is normal and that if you have kept your distance all this time, it is not to fail once you are together.
You can already imagine the look on your family’s face that will come down on you like a sledgehammer.
They’ll keep it to themselves, but you can tell from their faces that they’re dying to tell you, « You see, I was right. Long distance relationships don’t work. Find someone in your city, now ».
So you make the tough decision to continue your relationship. You’ve given up everything to come anyway. Turning back is out of the question, unimaginable.
And without you realizing it, the descent into hell begins. Little by little.
That’s why having a plan B is so important.
Leaving in a hurry, telling yourself that the grass is greener elsewhere, is suicide.
A fatal mistake that can become the remorse of your life.
Make a well thought out decision, and watch your back:
- Plan your trip in advance
- Plan a safety budget
- Never take anything for granted: a couple needs to be maintained
- You can get closer geographically without living together directly
- Stay in touch with your family and friends
- Anticipate the VISA and the conditions of stay in a country
This will prevent you from having to ask for help from the military at a bus station in order to get home, after you have realized that the person you have been in a long distance relationship with for a long time was a bad person.
Yes, is a real sad story.
Are you ready to leave everything behind?
Let’s not talk about all the advantages and benefits that come with being geographically close. You already know them.
I want to go into the bad stuff, the stuff we forget about and that can be a real pain to deal with.
You will be away from your family and friends
Even if you will have the opportunity to see them again, it is always difficult to be separated from them for a long period of time.
You will be away from everything you know
You will move on to a new chapter in your life, and detach yourself from what you have known up to this point.
You will « lose » your life habits. In the best of cases, you will be able to find them elsewhere: it will just take time (like friends).
But some things are impossible to take with you (I miss my French cheeses)
Here are some examples:
- Your city and neighborhood
- Your customs and traditions
- Your holidays
- Your culinary specialties
- Your vacation spots
- Your places of leisure.
- Your work habits
Let’s talk about work! Changes at this level are to be expected.
You will probably have to quit your job
Unless you can continue working remotely, a long distance move means having to quit your job and find a source of income.
If the job market in your country is saturated, you are making the decision to give up a rare and hard-to-find position. Think about it!
Are you prepared to experience culture shock?
Some people experience it extremely well. For others, it’s a disaster.
Leaving everything behind also means finding new things!
For better or for worse. You might be surprised to find a significant cultural difference between your country and your partner’s.
And I am well placed to know! Between France and Peru, there is not only an ocean that separates these two countries, rich in their own way.
You will be able to notice differences on a lot of aspects. Here are some of them:
- The relations between men and women
- The ecology
- Aid to citizens
- Road traffic
- Local culture
- The language
- Security
- Climate
- Rules and customs
We are now going to talk about the N°1 reason that prevents LDR couples from taking the step.
Money: the universal problem of LDR couples
A long distance relationship is usually more expensive than a traditional one.
Ok, you avoid the expenses related to the restaurant and movie outings with your partner, but it is far from amortizing the price of the plane tickets.
So when it comes to breaking the distance, everything gets complicated.
Because it usually includes having to put a stop to your source of income and find a new one.
Before you move in with your partner, make sure you have enough money, and so does your partner! Helping each other is essential: breaking the distance alone is unreal.
If you manage to find a job in your new country of residence before leaving, it’s even better!
You will feel as light as a feather. Ask your partner for help, he or she will be able to help you according to your profile:
- Your skills
- Your diplomas
- Whether you speak the language of the country concerned
- Your desires
- The job market
- And all the little things you might not think of!
If finding a remote job proves more difficult than expected, you can always go without. But plan a budget for the first few months.
Follow my example:
So where do you start?
Start by daring.
If you’ve reached the end of this long article, it’s because you plan to break the distance.
To take the plunge and prove to all those who didn’t believe in you that you succeeded.
Living permanently with your partner will require qualities, means and skills. Starting with motivation, time and money.
So before embarking on such an adventure, discuss it with your partner. A couple is made up of two people, and your fulfillment now depends on the one who shares your life.
Schedule a video call, take a few hours to talk about it. Answer these questions together. Turn the subject around, explore all the possibilities.
Bookmark this article, and come back to read it for help. Follow each step, and check in regularly.
Do this and you will stop wondering how long should you date long distance before moving.
Going the distance is not a sprint. It’s a marathon.
And the finish is always an exceptional, unforgettable moment. It may even become the most memorable day of your life, the one you’ll tell your grandchildren about by the fire on Christmas Eve.
Want to close the gap but don't know where to start?
We can talk about it together and find a tailor-made solution!
I offer FREE coaching sessions on My Sweet LDR.
Places are limited to 3 per month.
Book your free call by clicking here and let’s discuss your situation together so I can give you my best advice and a detailed action plan.
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Hello !
We are Léo & Kyomi, a French-Peruvian couple in a long distance relationship since 2019. Welcome to this blog entirely dedicated to this way of life.
We decided to create
My Sweet LDR
to help people who want to live their relationship serenely and who don’t know how to do it.
To read our entire story
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