Meeting for the first time: Long Distance Relationship FAQ
This article is for you if you are going to be meeting for the first time in a long distance relationship
The first meeting is a key and decisive step in a long distance relationship. It allows you to know if you want to continue it and if the person with whom you have been exchanging during these long weeks is the one you need in your life.
Your senses will be in turmoil.
You will feel as if every beat of your heart will tear your rib cage apart!
This meeting will come relatively early, causing anticipation and hope, stress and nervousness caused by impatience.
I’m aiming right at it when I say that you wouldn’t waste this moment for anything in the world.
It’s true, the first meeting in a LDR is about making it real.
It’s closing the mouth to all those who have already told you « You’re wasting your time, find someone close to home… »
After this moment passed, no more destructive phrases like « but you never met him, it’s not a real relationship ».
And for this, you need to be sure of your move: on a dating app, you can afford to go without preparation.
Driving 10 minutes to the local coffee shop is light years away from being engaging.
On the other hand, paying for a plane ticket and voluntarily imposing on yourself more than 12 hours of flight as I did, is infinitely more engaging. There is no room for error.
Being myself in a long distance relationship for several years, I share with you here information and advice that helped me to take the step and that can help you too.
Whether you are leaving or your potential partner is joining you, you will find 15 answers to 15 questions to ask yourself before the meeting.
Let’s go !
For an ever more fulfilling long distance relationship, you can read these articles:
How long should we wait before meeting for the first time?
I’ve been asked this question countless times. And it’s quite legitimate to ask it. At the risk of alienating people, here is the answer.
It’s not a question of time, but of feeling and desire.
Take your phone, a sheet of paper and a pencil and do this calculation:
- Divide the number of messages you’ve sent to each other by the number of days (between the first and last message).
- For example, if you sent yourself 1700 messages in two weeks, you would divide 1700 by 14. That gives you 121. Let’s be honest: it’s ridiculous.
Reaching a number between 400 and 500 is a good start.
The higher the number you find, the more time it will take to finally start the first meeting.
What does that mean? That the news is good!
You are both committed to your relationship, and over a period longer than a few days.
Your topics of conversation are diverse, and you can’t get enough of each other. In practical terms, you improve your chances of things going well once you’re face-to-face.
This is not an exact science, just a good indicator.
I also recommend that you avoid waiting too long. Here are the reasons:
- The longer you wait, the higher your expectations will be and the more likely you are to be disappointed. This is called idealization
- If you wait too much and you realize that the feeling is non-existent in real life (if I can say it like that), you will have the impression to have wasted your time.
Be careful! Don’t buy your plane tickets 3 weeks after your first discussion either. Give time to time and make thoughtful decisions.
Before making this first meeting possible and real, I recommend that you validate each of the points in the next question:
How do I know when it's the right time for the first meeting in a long distance relationship?
This part is very important, so pay attention!
- When you feel like going further
This comes naturally. After thousands of messages sent, you will want to go further. You are a human being, first of all! This feeling is perfectly normal.
And if you don’t hear that little voice inside you whispering « I want to go to the next level », then you are far from ready.
- When you are sure you are not dealing with a catfish
Are you convinced that the person you are talking to is who he or she claims to be?
Are you 10,000% sure that their feelings are genuine and that they are not manipulating you?
Or even worse: scamming you out of an insane amount of money?
If the answer is « No », or « Not yet », or « Not 100% », then let it go and treat it as a priority.
A French woman was swindled out of 20,000€ because of this, and her « long distance boyfriend » instantly left her when he saw her at the airport.
It’s an appalling story, but unfortunately I didn’t make it up.
- Have you ever made a video call?
I’ll cut to the chase.
Meeting someone without making dozens of video calls first is suicide!
Don’t skip steps: no one learned to run before they could walk (even if you were a child prodigy, which I have no doubt you were).
Here’s a complete guide to making your first video call go as smoothly as possible.
- Have you ever made a video call with his family? (or your own)
This one is optional.
It’s far from the most important, but engaging the family in a long-distance relationship proves that it’s serious business.
This is a tip that the youngest among you should follow. It is incredibly difficult to convince your parents with words alone.
Actions are the best way to prove your resolve.
International long distance relationships are not Tinder
If the date turns out to be a disaster, you can’t just leave, go home in 10 minutes and continue your Netflix series while eating your favorite chips.
You will spend time, a certain amount of money (for your plane tickets) and completely go out of your comfort zone by traveling alone, probably in a country you have never been to before.
You have to put all the chances on your side so that everything goes well.
You must understand that when you meet this person, fate will tell you if :
- You will continue this relationship
- Or if it is time to end this correspondence. I will go into more detail in the rest of the article on this, don’t worry!
I am still dependent on my parents, what should I do?
No question of age here.
Each region of the world has its own customs, and being 17 in Europe is completely different from being 17 in Latin America.
In any case, you must inform your parents of the situation.
Explain them your state of mind, your desires, your doubts… Be more transparent with them than the Caribbean waters in summer.
They will see your involvement and can advise you accordingly.
If they are formally opposed to your desire to travel (which I can understand), then prove them wrong, but in the right way:
- Manage your long-distance relationship like a starred chef manages his or her clerks
- Save enough money to show them your determination
- Accept their choice, and act like a responsible adult
Trust can’t be taken, it has to be earned. And not with words. With actions.
What safety precautions should I take?
Respect the following points. Security is THE point on which you should not joke.
- You have made sure that you are not a victim of a scam
- Never send money over the internet
- Have a copy of your identity card, it is always more reassuring
- Remove all doubt on all possible red flags
- Do a background check. Everyone leaves traces on the Internet
- During your trip, always tell someone you trust where you are, and make sure your partner knows it
- Plan a financial budget in case of big problems or unexpected events
The most important point
Meeting for the first time in a long distance relationship in a private place has its risks
Organize it in a public place: the airport, a café, a hotel… avoid going to your private accommodations.
You don’t know what can happen. As I said, give time to time and don’t rush things.
If you want to go even further, you can share your location with someone you trust, and make sure your partner knows.
Is it a good idea to sleep over?
As I said, I strongly advise against sleeping it off in a private place the first night.
The following days, you can change your mind, either to save money or because everything is going well
The advantage of spending the first night apart is that you will be able to take a step back from the situation, with a clear head.
If I tell you that the distance allows you to take a step back, I am not teaching you anything!
Who should come first?
Ahah, I see you coming!
Is it necessarily the boy who has to make the first move?
It’s hard to answer. It depends on the possibilities and the budget of each one.
Let’s take our example:
- Kyomi is Peruvian. Coming to France would have cost her a whole arm and she was still financially dependent on her parents. She also had face-to-face classes at the university.
- I was working. Coming to Peru was in my budget, and I was able to take vacation days.
Did we wonder for a long time who would come first? Not really. It just came naturally.
Here’s what will help you make that decision:
- Each one’s constraints (work, children, dependents)
- Independence (age, freedom)
- Personality (fear of travel, fear of the unknown, leaving your comfort zone…)
How long should the trip last from the first meeting?
This is another question that has no universal answer.
It will depend essentially on the distance that separates you.
- If you are less than 2 hours by plane, you can consider to see each other during a whole weekend.
- If it’s a 12h30 flight (as in our case), a week is the minimum.
Also consider your budget, and your desires. If you feel that a few days are enough, then go for this option.
I strongly advise you not to go for more than 2 weeks if you have never met before.
It is to take the risk to shoot yourself in the foot, if the unforeseen occur!
Let’s take the example of Jordan and Sasha, two fabulous people living in the same city who decide to meet.
Do you think they would choose to have a coffee in the tourist district of the city to get to know each other, or go for a whole weekend in the mountains, 3 hours away?
We agree on this point.
meeting for the first time in a long distance relationship: is it weird?
Weird is a good word. There are so many emotions running through your head and heart. First meeting in a long distance relationship is an unforgettable moment.
You can’t imagine how much!
Physically, you’ll feel butterflies in your stomach, your heart will make more noise than a metal concert, your hands will get sweaty in a quarter of a second, and it will be hard to keep your nervous tics to yourself.
When you spend months talking to someone on the Internet, and you finally meet them, you get a strange feeling from head to toe. Even the experts can’t explain it.
The feeling of knowing someone, without really knowing them.
Knowing without knowing
Your heart is happy to finally be able to discover this person.
But your brain reminds you that he or she is still a complete stranger.
Add to this internal battle all the new elements now perceptible by your eyes: the look, the gestures, the smell…
But it is not only your brain and your heart that are fighting.
There is also your imagination and reality. Between what you imagined during all this time at a distance about this person, and how he is really, the differences will be there.
It’s like going from lying in bed in front of Netflix, and in a second, your phone rings, someone knocks at the door, someone shouts your name through your window and your oven rings the end of your roasted chicken.
Yes, it will be a mess! You won’t know where to turn.
But I want to reassure you.
This strange feeling will only last a few hours, if you’ve done things right. The naturalness will return and you’ll behave as you always have.
This is an excellent indicator of how well your meeting is going, and how comfortable you are! If this « weird feeling » is still present after a while, you are heading straight for disaster.
Anyway, you will discover so much about your potential partner! I’ll detail them for you now:
What will I discover?
There is an infinite amount of things that are imperceptible from a distance!
Everything will happen instantly. This is partly why the first meeting is a magical moment to live, close to the unreal.
There are for example :
- The smell
- Physical (height, posture…)
- The personality
- The body habits
- The body
- Charisma, elegance
- Confirmation of the feeling
The predominant reason
- Whether the relationship is going to end abruptly, or whether you’re going to take it to the next level
- The formalization of your long-distance relationship
You won’t be able to tell this after a few minutes, but rather a few days (unless you have Lucy’s powers). In the next part, I’ll give you my best tips on how to keep dating from turning into a nightmare.
Will I be disappointed?
I’ll continue to be honest: it’s possible.
So that you no longer have this fear, I have created an Ebook of 365 LDR Questions that will help you get to know someone, and above all that will allow you to discover someone’s true personality (and not the one they show through a screen).
I bet it’s already happened to you:
You’ve seen the trailer of a movie that didn’t leave you indifferent.
You’re convinced that you’ll have a good time, and that you’ll get a good return on the ticket you’re folding in the palm of your hand, sitting comfortably in your seat waiting for the commercials to end.
The lights go down, the movie starts. But here’s the thing: if the first few minutes didn’t alert you, you realize that the movie doesn’t really correspond to the trailer (if at all).
When you get out, it’s a cold shower. You’re pissed off and you swear you’ll never see a work by this director again!
So how did you get to this point to be so disappointed?
There are two reasons: one external to you that you have no power over, another that you can control.
1) Your partner can lie to you
Like the trailer that only highlights the best parts and is careful to hide its horrible flaws, the person you want to meet can do exactly the same (and so can you!)
The best way to avoid this is to spend evenings playing games that take him out of his comfort zone, and catch him off guard (without making him uncomfortable, mind you).
You will find an excellent resource with my LDR game Truth or Dare.
Generally speaking, the more honest you are with each other (talking about your flaws, what you dislike about others, how you react to certain situations, hiding your flaws…), the less likely you are to be disappointed, since by doing so you idealize the person in front of you drastically less.
This brings us to point N°2
2) The higher your expectations, the more likely you are to be disappointed
Yes. If you don’t have any expectations when you go to see a movie and you leave the theater without having experienced the slightest emotion, it’s no big deal.
Why do you think the last two seasons of Game of Thrones are so criticized?
Because the expectations of the fans (including mine) were dizzying.
Don’t idealize the person you are talking to. Everyone has flaws.
The perfect person doesn’t exist (or if you meet her, send me an email, I want to know her too).
The difference between expectation and reality is sometimes big. It has even become a meme. By keeping your feet on the ground, you keep yourself from falling into this classic trap.
How should I dress?
If you’ve been asking yourself this question, you’re too stressed out!
Start by stretching your legs, filling your lungs with air and smiling. If you’ve made it this far, you’re conscientious.
You absolutely must remain natural! Your charm is your authenticity. By trying to hide something, you only delay the moment of discovery.
And it’s the house of cards that collapses.
In case your outfit choice keeps you up at night, there is a simple way to get it right, every time.
Make a video call a few days (or weeks) before you leave and talk about clothes. You can pretend to be shopping, or simply ask for her opinion on one of your outfits. Your partner will share his opinion, and tell you what he likes (or not!).
You will know what to wear on the first date. Tested and approved!
What should I bring with me?
You only have one chance to make a good impression the first time. Don’t miss it!
Here are my recommendations:
- Bring a gift typical of your country is always a pleasure.
- A personal souvenir that you can give him/her on the last day (a piece of clothing is perfect!).
In addition to being able to hold it close to his body, he will keep your smell the first days)
- Means of contraception (a part is dedicated to that later in the article)
Don’t hesitate to talk about it between you to be sure not to forget anything!
What to do once you are together?
If you both chose to take the plunge, it is above all to spend time together. Make sure you have enough free time to experience these magical moments.
The first few moments together are like something out of a Disney movie.
It’s a real fairy tale that few people get to experience. Don’t leave any stone unturned and enjoy these incredible days.
You will remember it for the rest of your life.
This can also be an opportunity to his/her family, if you don’t feel like you’re rushing things.
Whatever you do, I recommend that you plan a minimum of activities in advance (or do one of these 105 LDR Activities together)
This will give you even more excitement to come and avoid boredom (even though you’ll just love being with your partner!).
Do we have to have sex on the first date?
Admit it crossed your mind before reading this, you rascals!
I don’t have the answer to this question. No one does, by the way. Those who say otherwise are liars.
It depends on each one!
Meeting for the first time in a long distance relationship and sex: my recommendations
- Don’t force yourself. If the person you have met loves you, then he will be willing to wait. And in case he dares to be too friendly, reframe him without delay!
- Agree beforehand, before you meet, to avoid creating frustration or disappointment. Or even worse: an argument.
I am still convinced that a majority of LDR couples who meet for the first time sleep together. I went through several topics on Reddit and forums several months ago whose main topic asked this question, and the majority of the answers were positive.
At this point, you should only begin to have the answer to all your doubts.
When should we meet again?
Again, this is entirely up to you.
If you are both in Europe, you will have more opportunities to see each other than a couple like mine who juggle between France and Peru.
It’s up to you to manage your budget, your VISA, your availability and especially your desires.
The double life syndrome
Try, as much as possible, not to have the same person always doing the trip.
Otherwise, you will become a victim of what I call the double life syndrome. At least I will feel less alone in this mess!
Don’t waste your time looking on the Internet for what it is, I’ve never seen it elsewhere.
Let me explain:
When we met again for the second time, it was me who came back to Peru. And not for 2 weeks, but for 10 months. I am still there, as I write this, sitting on the couch in the living room, drinking my morning coffee.
The fact that Kyomi had never been to France, and therefore did not know my family, my friends, my relationship with my relatives, my habits, in short my French life; gave me the impression to have two completely different lives.
One in Peru
The other in France
Because the one and only link between these two lives was myself, and that’s all. I could have been a completely different person depending on the country I was in, and nobody would have noticed.
And that’s pretty confusing. I can’t wait for Kyomi to finally come to France (in February 2022!!!!) so that my two lives can come together and form the one I’ve always dreamed of.
Meeting for the first time in a Long Distance Relationship: The most intense moment of your life
I hope this information and advice will help you see more clearly how to plan your first meeting in a long distance relationship, as it helped me do.
Keep in mind that apprehension will always be present, as will excitement.
That first meeting could become the best moment of your life, the one that comes to mind when you are asked. It is very similar to a marriage proposal.
If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments of this article.
In addition to helping other LDR couples, I will answer you as soon as possible.
And if you want to know how to break the routine in your LDR, you can download one of my two free programs by clicking here.
Routine and lack of ideas are spoiling your long distance relationship?
We can talk about it together and find a tailor-made solution!
I offer FREE coaching sessions on My Sweet LDR.
Places are limited to 3 per month.
Book your free call by clicking here and let’s discuss your situation together so I can give you my best advice and a detailed action plan.
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We are Léo & Kyomi, a French-Peruvian couple in a long distance relationship since 2019. Welcome to this blog entirely dedicated to this way of life.
We decided to create
My Sweet LDR
to help people who want to live their relationship serenely and who don’t know how to do it.
To read our entire story
you can click just here !