how to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship: complete guide
How to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship. In this article, you will discover everything you need to know to solve this problem!
« But aren’t you afraid that he might cheat on you? If I were you, I would be ultra jealous! »
Anyone who is currently engaged in a long-distance relationship is bound to have heard this phrase.
Those who tell you otherwise are liars.
We then have several types of answers, some of which are very positive:
- « We trust each other »
- « Rules have been set. »
- « We talk about this subject very regularly. »
When other answers are less beautiful:
- « We’ve exchanged passwords. »
- « I’ve forbidden him certain things. »
- « I call him as soon as I have a free minute. »
No matter how jealous we are in a long-distance relationship, we all have doubts at times. Me first!
You know, the famous « What if… »
One day, we learned that a couple of friends split up after a deception when they were thought to be madly in love. Doubts quickly set in. So… how to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship ?
Jealousy in a long distance relationship
Firstly in a long-distance relationship, jealousy can be a problem for both people. The jealous person will absolutely bite his fingers that he can’t act directly on his partner’s actions; when the other person feels devalued, watched, considered as a person less than nothing.
In this article, you will discover a complete guide about how to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship.
- We will see together, step by step, the mechanisms that trigger this jealousy, and how to remedy it.
- A second part will be much more practical because if you only read articles, your jealousy will never subside.
In other words, here’s a perfect method for beginners and those who don’t know anything about it
But beware! Simple does not mean easy.
Let’s take the example of a swimmer who wants to win the Olympic Games:
He may do intensive weight training to strengthen his body, watch hundreds of videos to learn how to swim faster, but that doesn’t replace the most important thing: Swim as much as possible.
Regarding jealousy, the practice is defined by concrete non-toxic actions and self-confidence exercises.
I will go straight to the point:
- If jealousy is not a big problem in your couple
- If you rely solely on theory to see changes
- If you want to know a miracle method, fast, easy, effortless (spoiler alert: it does not exist),
Then you can stop reading here. This article is not for you.
For an ever more fulfilling long distance relationship, you can read these articles:
1) Finding the cause of the problem
Before trying to find a long-term solution to our problem, we need to know what is causing it. We are not going to just throw away the sick fruit but kill the parasite.
The first and most important question to ask yourself is, « Why am I jealous? »
This can be due to several things:
- Your past: a traumatic experience, a horrible event…
- A lack of self-confidence: acceptance of your body, mockery, humiliation, belittlement, poor self-image…
- The opinion of others: mockery, negative opinions…
- My partner’s actions: flirting, inappropriate behaviour…
In the first three cases, working on yourself is necessary and will take time. If your jealousy is provoked by the actions of your proven partner (and I insist on this point), it will be manageable in no time at all. Much less than if the problem is you!
Personally, we are not too jealous in our relationship for several reasons:
- Beauty standards are drastically different in our countries (France and Peru). Some people that I find very beautiful are not seen like that by Kyomi and vice versa.
- We are in a long distance relationship. A D-I-S-T-A-N-C-E. In any case, I have to trust her. I have no choice: I am rational.
- If we chose this LDR, it is not for nothing. We knew what was at stake before we signed. That’s right!
2) Communicate with your partner: the best way to automatically avoid jealousy
It cannot be said often enough: communication is the key to everything.
Maybe you have an ability to understand the « unsaid ». Your spouse may not.
Jealousy should not be a taboo subject, quite the contrary. Communication solves countless problems, including jealousy (even at a distance!).
Get to know your long distance couple
The feeling of jealousy is created because we project ourselves on the long term in our couple: we don’t want to risk losing it because we imagine projects together. Talk about these long-term goals with him!
This can be counted in months, years, events, trips, reunions…
It is specific to each of you.
If you don’t have any ideas for questions and don’t know your partner inside and out, here’s a list of 35 questions that might help you.
With Kyomi, we very quickly put 2 rules in place, by mutual agreement. We all agreed on them and we repeat them from time to time.
- If there is a cheat one day, no turning back is possible. Absolutely none.
- We don’t talk to our exes again.
It’s simple, efficient, basic and direct.
Ask to be reassured (powerful in a long-distance relationship)
Everyone is different: the better you know your partner, the better you will know how to reassure him (with words, texts, videos, gifts, deeds…).
I recommend a book on this subject called « The 5 Languages of Love », by Gary Chapman.
Thanks to this, I know that Kyomi is much more receptive to words than to gifts. For my part, I consider more a service rendered, attention given than a hug or a light physical contact.
To help you, I have created a test specially designed for couples in long distance relationships. In 5 minutes, you will know your love language and you will have access to dozens of examples corresponding to your profile.
It’s great to know that! Not only is it unforgettable, but it strengthens a relationship.
Hot communication: the basic mistake
When a problem occurs, talk about it! But not in the heat of the moment: take time to think about it.
Let’s take a concrete example: your partner posts a group photo on Instagram with many people you consider suitors. Don’t be toxic by instantly sending him or her an angry message. Take a step back and approach the subject in a calm and thoughtful manner.
Also, don’t let several days go by – you need to find the right balance. This solves a lot of conflicts.
3) Learn to love yourself
In many cases, jealousy stems from a feeling of discomfort and powerlessness: one cannot be physically present to get information.
Ask yourself the following question: « Is my jealousy valid? Is it based on real facts or is it just a figment of my imagination? »
If your answer is « No », you need to work on yourself.
The difference with a self-confident person is that they know that if they are rejected, it is not always their fault. And if it’s his fault, it doesn’t lose its value.
Quite, the contrary! These people learn and move forward.
You probably know Nelson Mandela’s classic and memorable phrase, « In any case, I never lose: either I win or I learn ».
So how to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship?
The first thing to do is to talk with people who have confidence. Understanding how they handle situations, what their doubts are, how they react in situations that would make you insanely jealous will help you even if you are starting from scratch.
If you don’t have anyone around you to confide in, know that many Youtubeers talk about this subject through.
Many of them have been rejected in their lives, and they have found on Youtube another way to express themselves. I’m sure that there is story time on this subject!
Unfortunately, I don’t have any examples other than French to offer you.
The worst mistake: comparing yourself to others
Other people are no happier than you are.
Everyone has their problems, whether they are visible or not.
- Does this person have more money than you? Yes, but she has a complex about physical defects.
- He travels a lot with his girlfriend? Ok, but his family relations are at their lowest point.
- And she is very popular and loved by everyone. But she dropped out of school and is lost in her life.
There is a world between what they show and reality. Let’s take the example of Instagram: you’re never going to publish a picture where you’re horrible.
Life is the same. So stop comparing yourself, damn it!
You don’t believe me? Click here, you won’t be disappointed!
How to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship : invest in yourself
Take Kristen and Emily as an example.
Kristen lacks self-confidence: she belittles others. She always says things like « this person is a pest. She’s hitting on my boyfriend ». If Kristen is unhappy, it’s because of society. If she fails, it’s because of others. If she fights with her boyfriend, it’s because he’s a jerk.
Emily, on the other hand, tries to understand situations without relying solely on what she thinks she sees. She says things like, « This person must be having a bad day. My boyfriend listens to her to make her feel better ». If Emily is unhappy, it’s because she has trouble dealing with certain situations. If she fails, it’s because she hasn’t worked hard enough. If she fights with her boyfriend, it’s because she wants to solve a problem.
I think you get the point.
- Don’t you like your body? Work on your physique.
- Feel like you can’t do anything without your partner? Work on your independence.
- Are you jealous of unproven facts? Work on your self-confidence and your perception of things.
The rest of this article will help you do just that.
If it were easy, it wouldn’t be a problem!
4) Be rational = Avoid jealousy in a LDR
In our relationship, I am the most rational person. Sometimes, my emotions take over but I still have a certain ease in taking a step back.
Here are a few tips that will help you be more rational and less jealous in your long-distance relationship
In distance, you have no control over your partner.
You are hundreds or thousands of miles away from your partner. Accept that no matter what you think, you cannot act physically. It’s best to accept the situation. You can torture your mind, it won’t change anything except bring out negative emotions and thoughts.
I’ll be very direct: your partner could meet as many times as she wants, you couldn’t stop him/her.
And if he/she doesn’t tell you about it, you won’t know about it. It’s obvious that some suitors will try to hit on her/ him (and it’s the same with you!).
So accept the situation and trust him/her, damn it!
How to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship: Consider the worst
Jealousy is an automatic feeling that alerts us to fear, a dread, a feeling of insecurity about the future.
Ask yourself: What are you most afraid of?
In a couple, the greatest fear is that you will lose your partner and that the relationship will end.
Then yes, you’re going to be unhappy and go through a lot of horrible emotions. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
But think about what you would do in that situation. If your whole life is based on your relationship, it is obvious to me that you would be afraid of losing your partner. And your jealousy would be legitimate.
I’m not telling you to detach yourself from your partner.
That wouldn’t make any sense. Your partner shouldn’t be the only pillar of your emotional stability.
Building Emotional Stability: The House Example
Let’s imagine that your emotional stability is a house.
It is you who imagined it, built it.
It belongs to you.
It is yours!
Your house stands on 4 pillars. Without one of them, your house will have more difficulty to stand, it will be weakened. And the more pillars are removed, the more likely your house will completely collapse.
Your emotional stability is like this house.
If your 4 pillars are only your relationship with your spouse; in case of a break-up you will suffer enormously.
Because everything will fall apart in an instant. There is no turning back. On the other hand, if you have built your emotional stability by devoting only one pillar to your relationship, it is already much better.
I could say that my 4 founding walls are:
- My family
- My friends
- My Relationship
- My passion (Parkour)
All are independent of each other. If a pillar shatters, my emotional stability will be weakened but will remain standing.
How to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship: Don't be toxic
This is the best technique to kill your couple from a distance. By that, I mean sending messages absolutely every hour. Never leave room for spontaneity. And if your messages are coupled with jealousy, it’s even worse. What a horror! Nobody needs that, believe me.
Imagine receiving countless messages from your partner expressing doubts about you. For a relationship to be healthy, it needs to breathe.
It’s the same from a distance! Jealousy is a vicious circle.
A good technique for a healthy long distance relationship
What I am going to say here is valid for any type of relationship, including long-distance relationships. It is a principle of common sense, which is based on respect for the other.
The golden rule:
That’s it! I assure you that if you and your partner respect this sentence, you will avoid any disputes in the future. Tested and validated! Answering the question « how to be less jealous in a long distance relationship » requires this.
Assumed acts: nothing hidden
This part is not always easy to understand. I will be as clear as possible.
For example, if your spouse says, « I’m going to have a drink with that girl/boy this afternoon » in a straightforward and formal way, chances are he or she has nothing to hide and it’s true.
Why is that? Because if you think about it for a few minutes: when you hide things from your partner, it’s because you know you’re doing something wrong.
You don’t want him or her to know.
We have things to blame ourselves for.
It’s when he tries to hide something from you that it becomes worrisome.
It’s a counter-intuitive way of thinking,
Here’s another example: if he tells you that he’s uncomfortable with this person at work because he feels that he or she is trying to hit on him or her, don’t throw a tantrum.
If he or she tells you about it, it’s because he or she cares about you and wants to reassure you.
This goes back to the point before: trusting.
5) Specific problems about long distance jealousy
The following is a specific list of recurring problems that couples in long-distance relationships may encounter.
My advice can help you to be less jealous of them.
- I started to be jealous independently of my will. I wasn’t jealous before.
Find the trigger. There must be one. Refer to the first part of this article. It may be due to you or your partner’s actions.
- He has many friends of the opposite sex
Ask to speak with them, to get to know them. This is legitimate on your part!
- I don’t know how to approach the subject of jealousy with him
Two solutions: make a question-and-answer game to make it easier to discuss the topic, or write a long letter to him.
- He has already confessed to me that he cheated on his partner.
Have a discussion about it: why he did it, what were the circumstances… If he has already admitted to you that he cheated on his partner, tell yourself that he is trying to be honest with you.
- I have been cheated on in the past
Talk to your partner. Again, he can’t guess. Ask for reassurance. Collect testimonials from people who have already gone through the same thing.
- He or she often meets people, goes to places that are good places to flirt…
I don’t have any advice as such. I don’t love people with these desires in a loving way. I have nothing against them, beware. But since I don’t go to places like that myself, my girlfriend is probably the same.
Example of the music festival:
I love it, and if I had to go there without my girlfriend, I would know that she would be jealous. I will do everything I can to reassure her: video call every night, in the presence of my friends, words to reassure her…
- I already have big doubts, even proof
Put him/her in front of your doubts and evidence. The last part gives you some techniques to test your partner. I repeat that communication is the guarantee of a healthy long-distance relationship.
- He is still talking to his ex despite your reluctance.
Set rules as soon as possible. Ask him what is most important between his past and current relationship. Remember the phrase: « Don’t do to your partner what you wouldn’t want him or her to do to you.
- He’s already cheated on me
For me, a relationship is no longer an option. Trust has been broken. And like when you break a precise and fragile object, you may be able to repair it, but it will never be as it was before.
6) How to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship: The classical errors
Here are some tips and advice that will help you anticipate problems.
Or not to make them grow.
Most of them are common sense. It’s up to you to apply them!
- Sneak out, don’t talk anymore
The worst feeling in a long-distance relationship (and even in a more classic relationship) is indifference. If you need some time before talking again, say so. A short message. Don’t leave your partner in the dark. It is a total lack of respect!
- React hot
There is nothing worse than doing this. You’re both going to point the gun at each other, it’s only going to make the situation worse. This is more than ever a very bad approach.
- Not anticipating jealousy problems
Set rules, talk to each other from time to time. You must have short, medium and long-term goals. Reread this article as many times as necessary.
- Ask, beg not to be deceived
It’s not something you ask for, it’s something you take, something you deserve, something you win. If you get to a point where you have to ask for her trust, the relationship may not be the right one.
- Being too intrusive, becoming toxic
Even from a distance, one can be invasive. Make room for your partner.
- Don’t compare him/her to your exes.
- New LDR couples looking for more tips can find 19 of them here!
7) How to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship: 12 questions to better understand your situation
« Is my jealousy valid? Is it based on real facts or just my imagination?”
« Do I not exaggerate things when I judge my spouse on his or her actions?”
« Do I do what I blame my partner for?”
« The others I compare myself with: are they really better than me physically and mentally?”
« Have I ever discussed my jealousy with my spouse?”
« Why does my partner love me?” Give as many reasons as you can (minimum 5).
« What are my qualities in my relationship?” Give as many reasons as possible (minimum 5)
« Does my partner deserve a crisis today?”
“Does my jealousy help me preserve my relationship or destroy it?”
“Do I have someone other than my partner to discuss this?”
« Do I trust my partner?”
« Has this jealousy ever been a problem in my life before?”
8) 4 Exercises to control one's jealousy (in LDR)
We tend to forget it because of school, but the practice is absolutely necessary to learn and change things. It will help you being less jealouse in your long distance relationship.
This is a fact validated by everyone.
This is even more true when these things concern us directly.
So act, don’t just read.
Don’t wait until tomorrow, do it today.
- Set rules.
In my relationship, we have two:
If there is cheating, there is no turning back.
No more talking to exes.
- Stop watching him.
If you have no doubts, it’s useless. If you have any doubts, apply the previously written tests. But don’t stalk him. I remind you that in any case, you can’t do anything, you are not physically present.
- Ask him to do a video call with his friends.
Whether you already know them or not, it will strengthen your confidence in your partner and you will feel relieved.
- Show your partner that you care.
Give him a gift, a surprise, whatever. It has to be proof of love so that he realizes that you care about him.
Check out the classic Wikihow article, which can be a good source of information.
9) 3 Exercises to improve self-confidence
- Recognize your jealousy.
This is the first step. Stand in front of a mirror and repeat several times:
« Yes, I am jealous ».
« This is a problem for myself and my current relationship.”
« I’m going to change.”
« I’m going to succeed.”
Every morning for at least a week.
My advice: Put a post-it note with these sentences next to your mirror.
- Make a list of goals that are achievable and attainable within a week.
Not necessarily related to your relationship. It can be:
Hold a sports program over 7 days
Preparing a complicated meal
Doing something that you have been putting off for a very long time
Get out of your comfort zone
Respect the first fiscal year
By seeing that you are able to achieve these goals, you will gain self-confidence.
My advice: Talk to someone you trust about these goals. That way you will have committed yourself to someone.
- Read « The 4 Toltec Agreements » of Miguel Ruiz
It is a well-known and recognized book that will help you regain your self-confidence. It is short, easy to read and soothing. Pure happiness!
I let you a link to buy it here on Amazon.
10) If it was easy, everyone would do it:
- It takes time to stop being jealous. This is not a sprint but a marathon.
- Remember that jealousy is proof of love (as long as it is not excessive!). If Kyomi wasn’t jealous, I would ask myself: « Does she really love me »?
- Jealousy is also a warning signal. Learn to understand these signals
- You can spy, lie or accuse your partner. But that won’t stop you from being hurt, and it will create toxicity in you and your relationship. It is a classic trap that will kill you over a slow fire.
- In case of excessive, uncontrolled and daily jealousy, consult a specialist. The problem is certainly deep and personal.
- Jealousy is like fear: it will never go away. You must learn to control it. The title of this article is « how to avoid jealousy in a long distance relationship ». Not « how to stop being jealous ».
How to find out if your partner is cheating on you (in a long distance relationship)
Do You still have doubts about your partner’s loyalty?
Would you like to test him without destroying your relationship?
This sheet is a 2-page PDF that will allow you to subtly find out if your jealousy is well-founded.
(And you’ll also discover 10 warning signs to assess your partner’s honesty at a glance).
Does long distance jealousy continue to ruin your life ?
We can talk about it together and find a tailor-made solution!
I offer FREE coaching sessions on My Sweet LDR.
Places are limited to 3 per month.
Book your free call by clicking here and let’s discuss your situation together so I can give you my best advice and a detailed action plan.
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We are Léo & Kyomi, a French-Peruvian couple in a long distance relationship since 2019. Welcome to this blog entirely dedicated to this way of life.
We decided to create
My Sweet LDR
to help people who want to live their relationship serenely and who don’t know how to do it.
To read our entire story
you can click just here !